Re: [seul-edu] donated computers announcement, take 2

[Leon Brooks <leon@brooks.fdns.net>]

On Thursday 02 May 2002 02:05, William Abernathy wrote:
> Sorry to be late with revisions. If you're not lead pony on this project,
> please bring it to the attention of whoever is.

CC'ed as approrpiate, several on the list are the actual implementors.

> These are my suggestions. I realize how dreadful it is to receive
> suggestions at the last minute, so I'll try and keep my comments brief and
> to the point.

The very best time to receive suggestions is after you've committed a document 
to press, and it's especially effective when they're really good ones. (-:

> Leon Brooks wrote:
>  > spokesman Leon Brooks overturned Microsoft's
>  > draconian threats

> Change the verb to "refuted" or "rejected." Judges, drunks, and infants
> overturn things.

I personally like `debunked' but it doesn't scan very well or sound very 
authoritative. (-:

How about `exposed the errors and omissions in' ?

> I'd change the lede to:

> In response to an online threat made against schools and other needy
> organizations, SEUL [Schoolforge] spokesman Leon Brooks refuted the claims
> made by Microsoft and identified a useful alternative for charitable
> organizations.

I'd change `made against' to simply `to', but otherwise nice.

>> "Microsoft claims that it is a legal requirement that pre-installed
>> operating systems remain with the computer for the life of the
>> computer," he said.

> if this is going out as html, I would recommend linking from "claims" to
> the offending website. If it's going out as text, a footnote would be
> appropriate.

True.

>> "Like viruses and security issues, that problem is almost exclusive to
>> Microsoft. Using Linux, OpenOffice.org and other Open Source software,

> cut the .org out. OpenOffice is the software. OpenOffice.org is the
> website.

No. OpenOffice is a different piece of software to the StarOffice spinoff. 
OpenOffice.org is it's full name.

> Also, OpenOffice just went gold today, so we can do a tie-in: "the
> newly-released OpenOffice"

Good idea.

>> you
>> can accept practically any donated computer regardless of operating
>> system, erase the existing software, install Open Source software and
>> operate the computer legally and safely as a powerful workstation or a
>> server, all at little or no cost."

> It might be worthwhile to change "you" to "schools" or better yet, "needy
> schools".

True. `Desperate schools' sounds a bit overdrawn. (-:

>> are also recording the extensive
>> benefits of the thin-client approach with scores of real examples

> comma between approach and with (thin-client approach, with scores)

Agree.

> Also, if you're going to use "scores" there must be at least forty case
> studies. ( 1 score=20. )

I did think about that. It isn't be too far off already, and will certainly be 
strictly true within days of the release. (-:

> I agree with the sentiment that this should be a Schoolforge, or joint
> SEUL-Schoolforge announcement. If that's decided by SF, then include a
> description of schoolforge, especially noting the number of members, here.

Agree.

> One other comment: Throughout, you use commonwealth spellings
> (organisations, licences, etc.) It may be worthwhile to have an
> Americanized version of this, so as not to throw off our dimmer newshounds.

Aye. But I *am* Australian, so it's appropriate to preserve the idiom in the 
original, let the journos spell it how they want.

Cheers; Leon