Re: Background, second draft

[Dave Fancella <david.fancella@comcast.net>]

:)  More.

http://crimson.seul.org/wiki/index.php/Story%20of%20Nexus

I also moved the stuff off my website and onto Crimson's wiki.  Hurray!  ;)

Here's the changes:

On Monday 16 February 2004 05:45 pm, Jens Granseuer wrote:
> Up to this point the story may have been retold by an unbiased
> historian, but here you add personal judgement.

Fixed.

> > The western portion of the continent adopted a series of democracies
> > not unlike the European Union of old.
>
> The western portion of what continent? No continents have been
> mentioned so far.

Left alone.  I realized that before the story gets much bigger, we need a 
world map.  I downloaded some rockin-ass mapping software, but it's Windows 
only.  It also turned out to look really handy, and not be really handy.  
Anyone want to grab the story as it is and throw together a nice-looking 
world map?

In any case, without a world map, the thing is going to rapidly become hard to 
hold together.  I could easily draw one on paper, but I don't have any way to 
scan it.  :(  Unless someone has a fax setup on their computer.  I could fax 
it...

> > own. Seeing this barbarism, the Kingdoms of the East decided it was
> > time to intervene, but crippled by their own sharply factionalized
> > society, they quickly became entrenched in a war that wouldn't reach
> > its conclusion.
> >
> > The former People's Republic of Kerlo managed to overthrow their Tyarin
> > overlords and establish a new democracy.
>
> The change here is pretty abrupt. One second the Tyarins and KotE are stuck
> in a war, the next Kerlo won. Huh? Easily solved by adding "In the end,
> the former... themselves." or so I guess.

Fixed.  Needed the phrase "The turning point in the war came when".  :)

> > They went on to conquer the Island of Tyarin, where they were able
> > to solve most of the problems that had originally motivated the Tyarins
> > to war in the first place. Claiming to know that the fabled city of
> > Allantha existed within its borders,
>
> Where? In old Kerlo, or on Tyarin?

Fixed.  Don't know if the fix is better than the problem, though.  ;)

> > they declared themselves to be the
> > sole government of Nexus. This new force began moving across the main
> > continent towards the Kingdoms of the East. When the two armies finally
> > defeated the last of the Tyarins, they faced each other across the
> > battlefield.
>
> I thought they had already defeated the Tyarins on the mainland?
> Maybe my map image is wrong. If you have something like this:
>
>     ~          \                                 /
>           ~     \                               /
>      ~       ~   \                              |
>      ----------   \       Kerlo                 /
>     /          \ ~ \                           /      KotE
>
>    |   Tyarin  |    \                          |
>
>  ~  \          /     ------------------        \
>      ----------   ~             ~       \        \
>
> and Kerlo broke free of the invaders, they went west, won, came back,
> and won again? Against whom?

Left alone.  Your map image is right, but I already mentioned the world map 
thing.

> > Nexus began to stabilize itself again as the war finally ended in
> > the year of 2437.
>
> According to the story so far there is now only the Republic of Nexus
> left. While it's probably good to have a major player I think we should
> still leave a little room for some independent factions. And thus we
> return to the question of continents...

Left alone.  I'm thinking about having a continent and a land bridge and 
having some of the original settlers cross the land bridge and develop 
slower, and getting into the crystals more.  Then an earthquake or something 
(a war?) where the landbridge gets taken out, isolating the two societies 
from one another.  Something like, on the other continent (and having two 
major continents with a number of minor continents like Tyarin) there aren't 
any/many crystals, and when the people on the main continent figured out how 
to unleash the power of the crystals they shot way up in technology quickly, 
so the other continent is lesser-advanced, causing the focus of the war to be 
on the major continent.  Then we can have neat scenarios with black powder 
units.  :)  Any other ideas?

Now that the story's on Crimson's own wiki, you guys can go in there and play 
on it, right?  ;)

Dave

> Jens

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	(3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.