Re: [seul-edu] Schoolforge ready for Prime Time?

[Doug Loss <drloss@suscom.net>]

"David M. Bucknell" wrote:
> 
> Meanwhile, here's a rough, first try at what the statement could be:
> 
> <<Members of the Schoolforge Coaltion have the common goal of advocating the
> use of free and open source tools and curricula in education, and assisting
> them in their successful use and maintenance.

Slight rewrite for pedantic reasons.  "Members of the Schoolforge
Coaltion have the common goals of advocating the use of free and open
source tools and curricula in education and assisting in their
successful use and maintenance."  The "them" in the original would refer
to the tools; this makes the two branchos of the prepositional clause
following "of" equivalent in structure and clearer in meaning.  Just
getting my grammatical chops in.

> We aim to make our efforts more
> effective and efficient by collaborating on and focusing our efforts, because
> we are convinced that free and open source solutions are right for education.

"We aim to make our individual efforts more effective and efficient by
collaborating and focusing on them, because we are convinced that free
and open source solutions are right for education."  Similar reasoning
to the first sentence; I added "individual" to "our efforts" to show
that these were efforts of the coalition members rather than of the
coalition itself.  Rather than repeat "our efforts," I went with "them'
to make the sentence flow better.

> The road to free and open source technology and curricula is the road to
> effective and sustainable school program development. At the Coalition sites
> below, visitors will find the information and tools they need to assist them
> at all stages of their journey.>>
> 
> Suggestions, alternatives?
> 
I hope you don't mind a little editing.  I guess I got the editing genes
from my father, was was a newspaperman for 32 years.

-- 
Doug Loss          As long as I have you there is just
drloss@suscom.net  one other thing I'll always need--
(570) 326-3987     tremendous self control.
                          Ashleigh Brilliant