Re: [seul-edu] Beta draft of initial public announcement for Tuesday

["Jeremy C. Reed" <reed@reedmedia.net>]

On Sat, 5 Jan 2002, Doug Loss wrote:

> open source/free software. Composed of twenty-six open-resource-focused

Use digits (26) instead of "twenty-six".

> educational organizations on five continents, the all-volunteer Schoolforge
> project hopes to harness the collective strengths of educators by enabling
> them to share technical and pedagogical expertise far beyond the confines of
> their districts.

Is the term "districts" specific for only United States?

> "For too long," says SEUL/edu leader and Schoolforge spokesman Doug Loss,
> "our any projects suffered from isolation and low visibility. Our lack of a

Awkward quote: "For too long our any projects suffered ...". Is it "many"
instead of "any"?

Also, don't break the sentence in the middle here. Put the attribution
after the sentence (and before "Our lack").

> Schoolforge is intended to help its member organizations to:

Maybe "intends" instead of "is intended".

> Schoolforge member organizations are made of volunteers, teachers and
> technicians in elementary and high schools who are committed to harnessing

What about post-secondary educators or private trainers?

> learn. Contributions to open resource projects are free and open to anyone
> who desires to use them, and can never be withdrawn from public use.

Good explanation.

> Schoolforge's member groups will bring the power of open resources to

Maybe just "Schoolforge will bring ..." or "The Schoolforge members will
bring ...".

> primary and secondary educators. While some groups are focused on bringing

Again, what about post-secondary educators or private trainers? (In
addition, the open resources will be valuable in homeschooling.)

> Visitors are invited to review case study files from SEUL/edu, including

Vistors to what? (The website?) Does this mean that the website contains
all this info?

> successful free software deployments in schools from Pasco, Washington to
> New York City, from Zacatecas, Mexico, to Aldgate, South Australia and to

Comma after "Australia".

> "We're hoping," Loss said, "to put behind us the day when computers were

Place the attribution after the sentence. Also, previously the
attributions used "says"; this should probably be consistent.

   Jeremy C. Reed
   http://www.reedmedia.net/