Re: [seul-edu] Beta draft of initial public announcement for Tuesday

[William Abernathy <william@inch.com>]

Jeremy C. Reed wrote:

> On Sat, 5 Jan 2002, Doug Loss wrote:
> 
> 
>>open source/free software. Composed of twenty-six open-resource-focused
>>
> 
> Use digits (26) instead of "twenty-six".
> 


The Chicago Manual of Style disagrees. Numbers under 100 get spelled out. Stet, 
unless someone has an AP Guide that disagrees. (AP trumps Chicago on press 
releases, and of course I only have a Chicago.)


> 
>>educational organizations on five continents, the all-volunteer Schoolforge
>>project hopes to harness the collective strengths of educators by enabling
>>them to share technical and pedagogical expertise far beyond the confines of
>>their districts.
>>
> 
> Is the term "districts" specific for only United States?
> 



Yes. Are there any list members in foreign countries who can suggest an alternative?


> 
>>"For too long," says SEUL/edu leader and Schoolforge spokesman Doug Loss,
>>"our any projects suffered from isolation and low visibility. Our lack of a
>>
> 
> Awkward quote: "For too long our any projects suffered ...". Is it "many"
> instead of "any"?
> 


For some reason, the "m" fell off in flight. It's on my original, and will 
remain there.


> Also, don't break the sentence in the middle here. Put the attribution
> after the sentence (and before "Our lack").
> 
> 


The reason it's there is to identify the speaker quickly. I'll certainly 
consider moving the attribution farther back in subsequent quotes, but I'd 
prefer to have it front and center for the initial quote.


>>Schoolforge is intended to help its member organizations to:
>>
> 
> Maybe "intends" instead of "is intended".
> 


I used this more active wording in previous drafts, but backed off to show the 
active party being the member organizations, rather than the central body. In 
other words, Schoolforge is the instrument of the various orgs, not the other 
way around.


> 
>>Schoolforge member organizations are made of volunteers, teachers and
>>technicians in elementary and high schools who are committed to harnessing
>>
> 
> What about post-secondary educators or private trainers?
> 


I'm of the impression that Schoolforge's focus is on K-12 education.

As for private trainers, I s'pose I could include unemployed tech writers, such 
as myself, as well. I think the existing wording is inclusive enough. If any 
private trainers or tutors on the list object strongly enough, they can be 
included, too.


> 
>>learn. Contributions to open resource projects are free and open to anyone
>>who desires to use them, and can never be withdrawn from public use.
>>
> 
> Good explanation.
> 
> 
>>Schoolforge's member groups will bring the power of open resources to
>>
> 
> Maybe just "Schoolforge will bring ..." or "The Schoolforge members will
> bring ...".
> 


Again, you write it as I was writing in early drafts--the "member organizations" 
  locution is less direct than I want, but preliminary discussions led me to 
believe that this put Schoolforge, and not its members, too much in the center ring.


> 
>>primary and secondary educators. While some groups are focused on bringing
>>
> 
> Again, what about post-secondary educators or private trainers? (In
> addition, the open resources will be valuable in homeschooling.)
> 
> 

homeschoolers are primary or secondary educators.


>>Visitors are invited to review case study files from SEUL/edu, including
>>
> 
> Vistors to what? (The website?) Does this mean that the website contains
> all this info?
> 
> 


Good call.



>>successful free software deployments in schools from Pasco, Washington to
>>New York City, from Zacatecas, Mexico, to Aldgate, South Australia and to
>>
> 
> Comma after "Australia".
> 
> 


Not on my copy.


>>"We're hoping," Loss said, "to put behind us the day when computers were
>>
> 
> Place the attribution after the sentence. Also, previously the
> attributions used "says"; this should probably be consistent.
> 

Eeesh! Egg on my face! I'm normally a stickler for tense agreement. Good spot!


>    Jeremy C. Reed
>    http://www.reedmedia.net/
> 
> 
> 
> 
>