Re: Background, second draft

[Jens Granseuer <jensgr@gmx.net>]

On 15.02.2004 23:57, Dave Fancella wrote:
> I've got another draft of the history of Nexus written.  :)
> 
> I left the Kandelians as they were, still waiting to hear from everyone else 
> about them.  :)

Everyone else seems to be pretty shy...

> But as with all good things, the Empire came to an end, leaving as
> its sole memories the dating system and the observatories.

Up to this point the story may have been retold by an unbiased
historian, but here you add personal judgement.

> The western portion of the continent adopted a series of democracies
> not unlike the European Union of old.

The western portion of what continent? No continents have been
mentioned so far.

> own. Seeing this barbarism, the Kingdoms of the East decided it was
> time to intervene, but crippled by their own sharply factionalized
> society, they quickly became entrenched in a war that wouldn't reach
> its conclusion.
>
> The former People's Republic of Kerlo managed to overthrow their Tyarin
> overlords and establish a new democracy.

The change here is pretty abrupt. One second the Tyarins and KotE are stuck
in a war, the next Kerlo won. Huh? Easily solved by adding "In the end,
the former... themselves." or so I guess.

> They went on to conquer the Island of Tyarin, where they were able
> to solve most of the problems that had originally motivated the Tyarins
> to war in the first place. Claiming to know that the fabled city of
> Allantha existed within its borders,

Where? In old Kerlo, or on Tyarin?

> they declared themselves to be the
> sole government of Nexus. This new force began moving across the main
> continent towards the Kingdoms of the East. When the two armies finally
> defeated the last of the Tyarins, they faced each other across the battlefield.

I thought they had already defeated the Tyarins on the mainland?
Maybe my map image is wrong. If you have something like this:

    ~          \                                 /
          ~     \                               /
     ~       ~   \                              |
     ----------   \       Kerlo                 /
    /          \ ~ \                           /      KotE
   |   Tyarin  |    \                          |
 ~  \          /     ------------------        \
     ----------   ~             ~       \        \

and Kerlo broke free of the invaders, they went west, won, came back,
and won again? Against whom?

> Nexus began to stabilize itself again as the war finally ended in
> the year of 2437.

According to the story so far there is now only the Republic of Nexus
left. While it's probably good to have a major player I think we should
still leave a little room for some independent factions. And thus we
return to the question of continents...

Jens